We had our LONE home study for our second adoption this morning. We had about 4 for the first adoption, but since this is our second and we're using the same agency, it's a little less complex. We do have the same adoption worker, though, at least for now. She's leaving the agency - sadly for us.
I told our adoption worker that we're not going to say "boy only" this time, although that's what I'd like to do. Kelley won't let me. She says, "If we were having a child naturally we couldn't choose." My argument is that since I can't have children, GETTING TO CHOOSE is one of the few benefits. So I asked about it - just for my own information. She said, "You don't want to do that." I wasn't sure what she meant, so I asked. Selecting a specific gender means you'll be waiting longer. That didn't make sense (because I haven't thought it through). If half of all children are boys and half are girls, I thought it'd just mean we had half the chance as before. But, many times, a birthmother doesn't know the gender of her baby until after she picks a family. If she knows a family only wants a boy, she won't pick that family, since she doesn't know if she's having a boy or a girl.
Now it makes sense to me. I get it. I love it when I come to understand something I didn't before. That's part of why I like Bible study, writing messages, and teaching: I get to learn, but I also get to help others learn. It's fun to see someone's eyes light up when they "get" something for the very first time - especially when it's about God, His purposes, and His ways.
I'd love to have a little boy, but I'll love any child we get to have call us Mommy and Daddy. It's not like girls can't play golf, swing a bat, throw like Roberto Clemente (well, maybe that's a stretch) . . . Maybe I should've said "throw like Jeff Francoeur" since I doubt many people know who Roberto Clemente was. I know Francoeur hasn't lived up to expectations (Braves fans), but there's still nobody else I'd rather have in right field trying to throw out a runner at 2nd, 3rd, or home. OK, I got sidetracked a bit. It happens.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Chuggington
Kelley had a continuing education class in Chicago last week for 3 days, so Kate and I tagged along and we made the last part of the week a vacation. Kate flew on an airplane and rode on a train for the very first time. Kelley loaded several episodes of the two shows Kate loves, "Little Einsteins" and "Chuggington," on her iPad. Both of these shows are on Disney Jr.
We don't let Kate watch much TV, but we thought we better have a way to keep her occupied waiting for our flights and on our flights. It worked, but I was reminded of why we don't let Kate watch much TV: it's ADDICTIVE for her. We'd rather her play (inside or outside) and look at books, anything other than becoming another TV/Computer/Gadget zombie child.
Kate developed a favorite saying on our trip. I've been recording her first word each day in my journal, just for fun. One morning when I went into her room (we had a suite the last part of the week) to get her out of the crib, her first word was "light" because I'd turned on a lamp to get her up, and with her next breath she said, "More Chuggy!" Not "Daddy," "Mommy," "Breakfast," or any of her usual first words of the day, but "More Chuggy!" She had watched those 3 20-minute episodes so often that it was all she began to think about. At various times throughout the day, she'd say it to us. She wanted to watch Chuggington, ALL THE TIME.
I don't think using the TV (or newer technology) to babysit children is a good idea. As I've worked with teenagers since the late 1990's, I've noticed a drastic change in how they act and interact. It's disturbing. I regularly witness groups of teenage boys and girls in a room together, DURING UNSTRUCTURED TIME (no lesson, no one addressing the group), and the only thing you can hear is thumbs moving on keyboards or scrolling the glass faces of their phones. Sometimes, they're texting each other - in the same room - instead of talking. I've also experienced this on trips, where there's very little sound inside the van I'm driving, because everyone is playing with their phones. When this trend first started, I banned the use of phones, iPods, etc. on our trips so that they would ENGAGE one another. It didn't work: they mostly just rode in silence unless I tried to make them talk via playing games, etc.
Years ago, some of the greatest ministry the week of a youth retreat happened ON THE RIDE TO/FROM OUR DESTINATION. Now on these trips, there's mostly silence or music from the radio that few people hear because they're all listening to their own. We witnessed this same thing on the subway last week - most people were PURPOSEFULLY isolated, even though they were sitting or standing inches away from others.
I'm an introvert, but I like to talk to people. The few times I've flown alone, I've usually sat beside someone who wanted to talk and I generally enjoyed the conversation. But nowadays, kids don't care to talk to even the people they KNOW, let alone the people they don't know. I wonder how some of them will find a relationship meaningful enough for marriage. I wonder how the Christians in these younger generations will ever be able to share the Gospel, which by nature is difficult, controversial, and polarizing, when they don't even have the desire to have conversation with others.
As funny as it sounds coming from a 22-month old, I hate the reality of the words, "More Chuggy!"
We don't let Kate watch much TV, but we thought we better have a way to keep her occupied waiting for our flights and on our flights. It worked, but I was reminded of why we don't let Kate watch much TV: it's ADDICTIVE for her. We'd rather her play (inside or outside) and look at books, anything other than becoming another TV/Computer/Gadget zombie child.
Kate developed a favorite saying on our trip. I've been recording her first word each day in my journal, just for fun. One morning when I went into her room (we had a suite the last part of the week) to get her out of the crib, her first word was "light" because I'd turned on a lamp to get her up, and with her next breath she said, "More Chuggy!" Not "Daddy," "Mommy," "Breakfast," or any of her usual first words of the day, but "More Chuggy!" She had watched those 3 20-minute episodes so often that it was all she began to think about. At various times throughout the day, she'd say it to us. She wanted to watch Chuggington, ALL THE TIME.
I don't think using the TV (or newer technology) to babysit children is a good idea. As I've worked with teenagers since the late 1990's, I've noticed a drastic change in how they act and interact. It's disturbing. I regularly witness groups of teenage boys and girls in a room together, DURING UNSTRUCTURED TIME (no lesson, no one addressing the group), and the only thing you can hear is thumbs moving on keyboards or scrolling the glass faces of their phones. Sometimes, they're texting each other - in the same room - instead of talking. I've also experienced this on trips, where there's very little sound inside the van I'm driving, because everyone is playing with their phones. When this trend first started, I banned the use of phones, iPods, etc. on our trips so that they would ENGAGE one another. It didn't work: they mostly just rode in silence unless I tried to make them talk via playing games, etc.
Years ago, some of the greatest ministry the week of a youth retreat happened ON THE RIDE TO/FROM OUR DESTINATION. Now on these trips, there's mostly silence or music from the radio that few people hear because they're all listening to their own. We witnessed this same thing on the subway last week - most people were PURPOSEFULLY isolated, even though they were sitting or standing inches away from others.
I'm an introvert, but I like to talk to people. The few times I've flown alone, I've usually sat beside someone who wanted to talk and I generally enjoyed the conversation. But nowadays, kids don't care to talk to even the people they KNOW, let alone the people they don't know. I wonder how some of them will find a relationship meaningful enough for marriage. I wonder how the Christians in these younger generations will ever be able to share the Gospel, which by nature is difficult, controversial, and polarizing, when they don't even have the desire to have conversation with others.
As funny as it sounds coming from a 22-month old, I hate the reality of the words, "More Chuggy!"
Friday, May 17, 2013
Daddy or Kevin? I Think I'll Just Cherish It
About a month ago Kate figured out that my name is Kevin. And she started using it. She hears everyone call me by my name and she's very observant, so it just seemed like the right thing to do, I guess. She knew there was something questionable about it, though, because she'd give a sly little smile when she said it.
When she first started saying Kevin, it came out "Kev-y." It was cute, and funny, but as an adoptive parent, it was weirder than if she were my biological daughter! Think about it.
Over the past few days, she's progressed with my name. When she wants me to follow her, she says, "Mon (Come on), Ke-Fin!" She still thinks it's funny, and she calls me "Daddy" 90% of the time, so I'm just enjoying this as one of those things that will all too quickly fade away.
I'm trying to appreciate these little things, and each day I wonder, "Will she ever do that again?" Babies become toddlers and toddlers become little kids SO QUICKLY, and their progression is A DAILY THING, so we better enjoy things in the moment.
I was talking to an old friend this week. He was giving me some wisdom on this very thing. He said, "When __________ (his daughter) was little, she LOVED to hold my hand in public and she always wanted me right beside her. It was so sad when she reached the age that she no longer did that. When she was 13, she got out of bed one night and came to me in the living room. She said she couldn't sleep. I was sitting in my recliner. She sat in my lap and laid her head on my chest. It didn't take 2 minutes for her to fall asleep. I sat there with big tears rolling down my face, knowing something like that may never happen again. So I sat there with her for so long that my arms and legs fell asleep and I had trouble carrying her to bed."
Instead of demanding that Kate call me "Daddy," I'm going to cherish "Kev-y," "Ke-Fin," and the little sly smiles that come with them as long as I get them.
When she first started saying Kevin, it came out "Kev-y." It was cute, and funny, but as an adoptive parent, it was weirder than if she were my biological daughter! Think about it.
Over the past few days, she's progressed with my name. When she wants me to follow her, she says, "Mon (Come on), Ke-Fin!" She still thinks it's funny, and she calls me "Daddy" 90% of the time, so I'm just enjoying this as one of those things that will all too quickly fade away.
I'm trying to appreciate these little things, and each day I wonder, "Will she ever do that again?" Babies become toddlers and toddlers become little kids SO QUICKLY, and their progression is A DAILY THING, so we better enjoy things in the moment.
I was talking to an old friend this week. He was giving me some wisdom on this very thing. He said, "When __________ (his daughter) was little, she LOVED to hold my hand in public and she always wanted me right beside her. It was so sad when she reached the age that she no longer did that. When she was 13, she got out of bed one night and came to me in the living room. She said she couldn't sleep. I was sitting in my recliner. She sat in my lap and laid her head on my chest. It didn't take 2 minutes for her to fall asleep. I sat there with big tears rolling down my face, knowing something like that may never happen again. So I sat there with her for so long that my arms and legs fell asleep and I had trouble carrying her to bed."
Instead of demanding that Kate call me "Daddy," I'm going to cherish "Kev-y," "Ke-Fin," and the little sly smiles that come with them as long as I get them.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Taylor Swift
Kelley likes Taylor Swift and has some of her CD's. Her lyrics, as far as we know, are clean. A couple weeks ago, she played the song "We Are Never Getting Back Together" with Kate in the car.
Big mistake. We can't go ANYWHERE now without Kate saying, "Ever!" That's her way of telling us what she wants to hear. She's a backseat DJ. For months, she's been commanding us to play one of the songs from a CD with lots of kids' church songs. I don't even get her strapped in the car seat before she's saying "Build" and hitting her fist into her palm. That's what she calls "The Wise Man Built His House Upon the Rock." Some days her request is "Whole World" ("He's Got the Whole World In His Hands") and she forms her hands into a circle. And her third request is "Choo Choo" and she makes a motion like she's pulling the chain on a train whistle. That's for the song "This Train Is Bound for Glory."
Kelley and I both have this CD of kids' church songs in our car, out of necessity. At first, Kate just sang the songs at church, and when we'd drive somewhere, she'd make her requests and Kelley or I would sing the songs to her. Then, Kelley got the CD and started playing it in her car. From then on, when Kate would make her requests in my car, and I'd start singing, she'd fuss and say, "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" So I'd sing another song, and she'd eventually start crying. This happened all in a day, so I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't know she'd been listening to the CD with Kelley. She didn't WANT me to sing (and I don't blame her). She wanted to hear the CD. So I got the CD, too. And that's been life in the car for us ever since.
But now Kate has a 4th request - "Ever." I don't have the CD, and I'm not getting it. She will just have to tough it out when riding with me.
Big mistake. We can't go ANYWHERE now without Kate saying, "Ever!" That's her way of telling us what she wants to hear. She's a backseat DJ. For months, she's been commanding us to play one of the songs from a CD with lots of kids' church songs. I don't even get her strapped in the car seat before she's saying "Build" and hitting her fist into her palm. That's what she calls "The Wise Man Built His House Upon the Rock." Some days her request is "Whole World" ("He's Got the Whole World In His Hands") and she forms her hands into a circle. And her third request is "Choo Choo" and she makes a motion like she's pulling the chain on a train whistle. That's for the song "This Train Is Bound for Glory."
Kelley and I both have this CD of kids' church songs in our car, out of necessity. At first, Kate just sang the songs at church, and when we'd drive somewhere, she'd make her requests and Kelley or I would sing the songs to her. Then, Kelley got the CD and started playing it in her car. From then on, when Kate would make her requests in my car, and I'd start singing, she'd fuss and say, "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" So I'd sing another song, and she'd eventually start crying. This happened all in a day, so I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't know she'd been listening to the CD with Kelley. She didn't WANT me to sing (and I don't blame her). She wanted to hear the CD. So I got the CD, too. And that's been life in the car for us ever since.
But now Kate has a 4th request - "Ever." I don't have the CD, and I'm not getting it. She will just have to tough it out when riding with me.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Do You Trust God to Provide For You?
I heard about a couple of disgusting conversations involving God-called pastors yesterday. One of these conversations is more disgusting because it involved a guy who claims to be a Christian and is also a member at the church where the pastor he talked to serves.
But both conversations involved the same theme - money and a lack of trust in God.
God called this first friend of mine to Christian ministry years ago. My friend spent years preparing himself in school and by serving in local churches. A church member recognized his God-given abilities to teach, relate, show kindness, etc., and thought he would work great at HIS chosen career. I'll leave out the details to keep these stories anonymous So the church member approached my friend and basically offered him a job. My friend said, "I have a job." The guy said, "Yea, but you're not going to do this for the rest of your life." My friend replied, "Yes I am. This is what God called me to do. And I enjoy it." The guy said, "You're never going to be able to support your family doing this," and continued to tell him why he should make a career change.
God also called my second friend to ministry years ago. This friend is still in the process of preparing himself in school. He has also served in various ways in local churches throughout his adult life. Just like with my first friend, it's obvious to anyone who is looking that God has definitely called him and gifted him with a passion to preach the Gospel and wisdom as he goes about it. He was approached by someone he knew from a secular job, and the same conversation as the first one I mention took place.
I can't say that I'm shocked by the guy responsible for the second conversation because I don't know anything about him. But I am shocked and saddened by the first guy. He claims to be a Christian but he doesn't understand what it means to put his trust in God. He doesn't know what it means to sacrifice earthly things for God's Kingdom. And to make it worse, he tried to convince one of his own pastors to walk away from his calling based on HIS OWN sinful lust for money and doubt about God's ability to take care of him.
In the world's eyes, neither of my two friends make a lot of money. As pastors, they'll probably never be able to afford homes three-times the size they need, luxury cars, expensive vacations, or to always have the latest whatever. Both of them have families to take care of, and I'm sure they've wondered how they're going to give their children some of the things they hope to give them. They can be sure of God's ability to take care of them and their families, NO MATTER WHAT, by looking at others who have trusted God to do the same.
Here's what I know from personal experience: If you follow God where He leads, with pure motives, and you're not scared to put in time and give great effort (in other words, IF YOU'RE NOT LAZY), God will always take care of you. That doesn't mean God will give you everything you want. It does mean He will take care of you.
I've never made much money. Since I've been married, my wife has made more than me every year, and that includes the past year when she went to a reduced schedule. But God has always taken care of me - in multiple ways. At my first full-time church staff position, my salary wasn't enough to pay my bills. I knew when I took the job that if I had to buy a car, I'd be eating lots of cereal for supper. But I had a pastor who's still in my life who promised me that I wouldn't be in need. He was right, and he and his wife personally helped me when I had emergencies. Just a few months after I started there, the AC compressor on the 4-year old car I'd recently bought went out. The AC compressor was unique - to the tune of $900 plus installation. I didn't have that money. Guess who paid it, and he's never asked for it back. I didn't take advantage of their generosity, but they've always let me know that if I have a need, they'll help me.
Those church members gave me large cash gifts (anonymously or in cards and presents) at least THREE TIMES PER YEAR - Christmas, on the anniversary of the day I started serving there, and on my birthday. That amounted to an extra $1,000-$2,000 per year that I didn't even expect. My church also let me do something I both LOVED and benefited from: I got to substitute teach in the local middle school and high school, AS OFTEN AS I WANTED TO. A church member worked in the middle school office and she made sure I got called often. Due to the nature of substitute teaching, I could take my own work with me and do it throughout the day. I averaged 1 day per week for the 4+years I served that church, and sometimes I subbed several days per week. Every month when my check came from the school district office, I'd say a prayer of thanks to God for giving me extra income from doing something I actually enjoyed. I was able to build so many relationships with kids I never would've met otherwise, and some of them started coming to our church just because of me subbing.
My favorite story about trusting God to take care of ME is with my education. I've earned three degrees, and by the time I finished the last one, I didn't owe a cent on any of them. I was 37 years old with a doctorate and zero student loans. I was able to pay for my education as I went. Just so happened that the first church I served volunteered to pay for my masters classes. I took two classes per semester and had to be in class ALL DAY EVERY MONDAY. That meant, I'd never be at work on Mondays. My church was happy to give me the time "off." (Keep in mind, I was also subbing an average of 1 day per week.)
When I moved away from that church and took out a loan to finish my last masters year, I had every cent of the loan amount before any interest ever accrued. I saved every dollar I could and JUST HAD ENOUGH. Somehow during that time, I don't remember a single car repair or any other surprise expense.
I spent 6 years earning a doctorate and I paid for it as I went. Every cent. College - it took me 9 years after college to pay off my low-interest student loan. It really wasn't that big a deal or payment because God provided me with lots of scholarships, even though I didn't have a super-high GPA in high school or college.
See, God takes care of us when we trust Him. That doesn't mean we can spend our money foolishly, but it also doesn't mean we'll never HAVE anything. I play golf every week and golf and the gas I spend getting there aren't cheap. Somehow, I keep on getting to play. I have to thank that same pastor who paid for that expensive AC repair back in 1999. Turns out, he likes to play golf more than I do. I drove the same care for 10 years and now I have a truck I bought new 2+ years ago that's going to be paid off with this year's tax return. After driving the same car for 10 years, my wife got a new car last summer. I'm still waiting for how God is going to pay that thing off for us! (If you'd like to help with that, email me.)
A final story - my wife and I spent over $20,000 in about a year's time for the adoption of our first child in 2011. I still don't know how we paid that much in a single year. Our church did a fundraiser and raised over $2,000 for us. Others gave us small amounts that added up to another $2,000+. We received about $1,000 in adoption grants because I'm a pastor. But we did have to put about $8,000 on a credit card. We paid that debt off in about 8 months before we ever paid a cent of interest - by using last year's tax refund. The day I paid it off I told Kate, "Good news! They can't come repossess you!!" For the past year, we've been saving every dollar we can for our next adoption.
Most Christians will never be on church staffs, but all of us have to trust God to take care of us no matter what we do. I'm thankful that my two friends weren't swayed by the job offers. I'm also thankful that I wasn't there when the offers were made. I probably wouldn't have reacted as calmly as they did.
But both conversations involved the same theme - money and a lack of trust in God.
God called this first friend of mine to Christian ministry years ago. My friend spent years preparing himself in school and by serving in local churches. A church member recognized his God-given abilities to teach, relate, show kindness, etc., and thought he would work great at HIS chosen career. I'll leave out the details to keep these stories anonymous So the church member approached my friend and basically offered him a job. My friend said, "I have a job." The guy said, "Yea, but you're not going to do this for the rest of your life." My friend replied, "Yes I am. This is what God called me to do. And I enjoy it." The guy said, "You're never going to be able to support your family doing this," and continued to tell him why he should make a career change.
God also called my second friend to ministry years ago. This friend is still in the process of preparing himself in school. He has also served in various ways in local churches throughout his adult life. Just like with my first friend, it's obvious to anyone who is looking that God has definitely called him and gifted him with a passion to preach the Gospel and wisdom as he goes about it. He was approached by someone he knew from a secular job, and the same conversation as the first one I mention took place.
I can't say that I'm shocked by the guy responsible for the second conversation because I don't know anything about him. But I am shocked and saddened by the first guy. He claims to be a Christian but he doesn't understand what it means to put his trust in God. He doesn't know what it means to sacrifice earthly things for God's Kingdom. And to make it worse, he tried to convince one of his own pastors to walk away from his calling based on HIS OWN sinful lust for money and doubt about God's ability to take care of him.
In the world's eyes, neither of my two friends make a lot of money. As pastors, they'll probably never be able to afford homes three-times the size they need, luxury cars, expensive vacations, or to always have the latest whatever. Both of them have families to take care of, and I'm sure they've wondered how they're going to give their children some of the things they hope to give them. They can be sure of God's ability to take care of them and their families, NO MATTER WHAT, by looking at others who have trusted God to do the same.
Here's what I know from personal experience: If you follow God where He leads, with pure motives, and you're not scared to put in time and give great effort (in other words, IF YOU'RE NOT LAZY), God will always take care of you. That doesn't mean God will give you everything you want. It does mean He will take care of you.
I've never made much money. Since I've been married, my wife has made more than me every year, and that includes the past year when she went to a reduced schedule. But God has always taken care of me - in multiple ways. At my first full-time church staff position, my salary wasn't enough to pay my bills. I knew when I took the job that if I had to buy a car, I'd be eating lots of cereal for supper. But I had a pastor who's still in my life who promised me that I wouldn't be in need. He was right, and he and his wife personally helped me when I had emergencies. Just a few months after I started there, the AC compressor on the 4-year old car I'd recently bought went out. The AC compressor was unique - to the tune of $900 plus installation. I didn't have that money. Guess who paid it, and he's never asked for it back. I didn't take advantage of their generosity, but they've always let me know that if I have a need, they'll help me.
Those church members gave me large cash gifts (anonymously or in cards and presents) at least THREE TIMES PER YEAR - Christmas, on the anniversary of the day I started serving there, and on my birthday. That amounted to an extra $1,000-$2,000 per year that I didn't even expect. My church also let me do something I both LOVED and benefited from: I got to substitute teach in the local middle school and high school, AS OFTEN AS I WANTED TO. A church member worked in the middle school office and she made sure I got called often. Due to the nature of substitute teaching, I could take my own work with me and do it throughout the day. I averaged 1 day per week for the 4+years I served that church, and sometimes I subbed several days per week. Every month when my check came from the school district office, I'd say a prayer of thanks to God for giving me extra income from doing something I actually enjoyed. I was able to build so many relationships with kids I never would've met otherwise, and some of them started coming to our church just because of me subbing.
My favorite story about trusting God to take care of ME is with my education. I've earned three degrees, and by the time I finished the last one, I didn't owe a cent on any of them. I was 37 years old with a doctorate and zero student loans. I was able to pay for my education as I went. Just so happened that the first church I served volunteered to pay for my masters classes. I took two classes per semester and had to be in class ALL DAY EVERY MONDAY. That meant, I'd never be at work on Mondays. My church was happy to give me the time "off." (Keep in mind, I was also subbing an average of 1 day per week.)
When I moved away from that church and took out a loan to finish my last masters year, I had every cent of the loan amount before any interest ever accrued. I saved every dollar I could and JUST HAD ENOUGH. Somehow during that time, I don't remember a single car repair or any other surprise expense.
I spent 6 years earning a doctorate and I paid for it as I went. Every cent. College - it took me 9 years after college to pay off my low-interest student loan. It really wasn't that big a deal or payment because God provided me with lots of scholarships, even though I didn't have a super-high GPA in high school or college.
See, God takes care of us when we trust Him. That doesn't mean we can spend our money foolishly, but it also doesn't mean we'll never HAVE anything. I play golf every week and golf and the gas I spend getting there aren't cheap. Somehow, I keep on getting to play. I have to thank that same pastor who paid for that expensive AC repair back in 1999. Turns out, he likes to play golf more than I do. I drove the same care for 10 years and now I have a truck I bought new 2+ years ago that's going to be paid off with this year's tax return. After driving the same car for 10 years, my wife got a new car last summer. I'm still waiting for how God is going to pay that thing off for us! (If you'd like to help with that, email me.)
A final story - my wife and I spent over $20,000 in about a year's time for the adoption of our first child in 2011. I still don't know how we paid that much in a single year. Our church did a fundraiser and raised over $2,000 for us. Others gave us small amounts that added up to another $2,000+. We received about $1,000 in adoption grants because I'm a pastor. But we did have to put about $8,000 on a credit card. We paid that debt off in about 8 months before we ever paid a cent of interest - by using last year's tax refund. The day I paid it off I told Kate, "Good news! They can't come repossess you!!" For the past year, we've been saving every dollar we can for our next adoption.
Most Christians will never be on church staffs, but all of us have to trust God to take care of us no matter what we do. I'm thankful that my two friends weren't swayed by the job offers. I'm also thankful that I wasn't there when the offers were made. I probably wouldn't have reacted as calmly as they did.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Georgia Versus Clemson on My Birthday
Kelley is a Clemson fan. That's actually a weak statement. She's a Clemson graduate. Twice. Both of her parents are Clemson graduates. Her sister is a Clemson graduate. Twice. Lots of her family members are Clemson graduates. Her grandfather on her mother's side was a vice president of Clemson in the 70's and into the 80's.
Kelley has never known life apart from being a Clemson fan. Her choice was sort of pre-determined.
I'm a Georgia fan, as is well documented on my blog ( http://kevininsc.blogspot.com/2012/11/so-youre-telling-me-theres-chance.html ). I didn't follow the same path Kelley followed. I wasn't influenced by my parents and family, but by my surroundings at a very impressionable age. My family moved to northeast Georgia in February 1981, to a place about 45 minutes above Athens, two months after Georgia won the 1980 National Championship. What's a 7 year old who loves sports and has no prior allegiance to any team to do?
My office at work has lots of Georgia stuff on the walls, bookshelves, etc. People have given me most of this stuff. I'm often asked, "Did you go to Georgia?" I tell them I didn't, but I grew up there in the 1980's. We left the state in 1988 after my 9th grade year, and I finished high school in South Carolina. Aside from having no desire to go pay out-of-state tuition, I knew by age 19 that God was calling me to full-time Christian ministry. Somehow, people STILL discount me as a Georgia fan because I didn't graduate from Georgia. First of all, if that scenario were true, college football as we know it wouldn't exist. Do you really think those 80,000, 90,000, and 100,000 seat stadiums (especially around the South) are full of COLLEGE GRADUATES? If you've been to a single game, you can wholeheartedly say, "HECK NO!" Second of all, I've earned a Bachelors, a Masters, and a Doctorate, none of which were available at UGA. My calling was more important in making my college decision than who was my favorite team.
So, I'm a Georgia fan. Kelley is a Clemson fan. Who is the biggest fan? I think she'd agree - me. I take it more seriously, more personally. I SUFFER more with losses - not on purpose. That's just how it is. Kelley's sister is closer to being the kind of fan I am. I admit, we're both idiots. Watch us watch a game and you'll see for yourself. I feel like I'm running sprints the whole time I watch - unless it's a blowout. Kelley asked me that if I could control the outcome of the SEC Championship Game last year, how much of our savings would I give for a Georgia win. I didn't hesitate and said a number that's basically all of it. It would've been money well-spent, in my opinion!
Georgia and Clemson played every year when I was a kid, as they'd done for decades. (Georgia won a close one in 1980 and won the National Championship. Clemson won by 10 in 1981 and won the National Championship. Tie in 1983. Georgia won on a 60-yard Kevin Butler fg as time expired in 1984. Look - it was actually 60.5 yards.
The yearly games ended after the 1987 season, and if you weren't alive back then, you don't really understand the rivalry. Back then, Georgia's biggest rival was Clemson. Not Georgia Tech, not Florida, because they rarely lost to either of them. Clemson's biggest rival was Georgia. Not South Carolina. They didn't lose to South Carolina often. Ask most older Clemson fans what team they hated most through the 80's and they'll say Georgia. Most older Georgia fans will say Clemson. And I married a Clemson girl. I married INTO a Clemson family. That's college football blasphemy where I was raised!
They've only played 6 times since 1987. (If you care to know, Clemson won in 1990 (I was there). Georgia won in 1991, 1994, 1995 (I was there), 2002, and 2003 (I was there). They play again this year and next - 2013, 2014. This year's game is at Clemson on August 31, 2013 - my 40th birthday. I told Kelley when the game was scheduled that I don't want to go. I'll be one Georgia fan in a crowd of Clemson fans - including Kelley's family. And I either get to leave happy with everyone else around me, most-importantly my wife, unhappy, or I leave unhappy and everyone else around me happy.
Kelley, and mostly her sister, Kristi, kept trying to convince me to go, and I kept saying no, giving the above reasons. I finally said, "I'll go but here's the condition: Kate has to wear Georgia stuff." Kate will be 2 by then and she LOVES sports. Like me, sports in general are her favorite TV show. Kelley agreed to my condition, but with the added condition that Kate must wear an orange bow in her hair and a Tiger Paw on her face. I agreed.
So if Kelley's dad can get us tickets, it looks like I'll be spending my 40th birthday in a most unfriendly place. Hopefully there will at least be some cake and ice cream. I'm thinking about a big Oval G cake with red and black icing.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Adoption - Telling the Child About It
Kelley has a blog about our adoption and our life with Kate - www.thebiglongwait.blogspot.com .
She receives emails weekly from adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents, and they ask all kinds of questions - good questions, the kind we also ask or used to ask.
I read an email today from a married couple that's going through the beginning stages of adopting a newborn. The lady asked how things are NOW with Kate's birth parents, and how/when we plan to tell Kate. Kelley will reply to her directly, but these questions are good to discuss since open adoption is the general rule for domestic adoptions today.
First, open adoption is a very broad term. All it means is that there is some form of open communication between the birth parents and the adoptive parents. How open the adoption is and continues to be must be determined by those involved. Some adoptive parents want little contact with the birth parents, some birth parents want little contact with the adoptive parents (and the child), and those are some of the big things that help with finding a match.
But this is important - the old way of adoption is going the way of landlines. I should probably say, going the way of rotary dial phones. Some people still have them, but don't go looking for them on store shelves. When I was in elementary school in the 80's, I had a few friends who were adopted, but we (classmates, church friends) weren't supposed to talk to them about it in case they didn't know. They had been led to believe they were their parents' biological children - even though their dad was 5"7, their mom was 5"2, and they (the adopted children) were already 5' in 4th grade and looked nothing like their parents. (I made all that up, but it helped make my point.)
Here's how our adoption has gone - SO FAR. By telling our experience, in no way am I acting like an authority or a predictor of the future for every adoption. In some cases, I'm SURE it's best not to have any contact with the birth parents - at least while the child is young. Not only do we HAVE a very open adoption, we WANTED it. We heard stories from both sides and the children who grew up with some kind of contact with their birth parents seemed more peaceful about life. We didn't want Kate to wonder. We didn't want her to feel bad for wondering, like she was doing Kelley and me wrong by imagining how life would be with her birth parents. We didn't want her to wonder about her heritage. We didn't want her to wonder about any siblings, or what she might look like when she grows up, or, or, or . . .
So we wanted an open adoption. Kate's birth parents were 18 (birth father) and 16 (birth mother) when we met them. We've seen them at least every few months since - with Kate. Kate has a room full of toys and books, many from her birth parents. We've made sure to keep some of these things they gave her at her birth - a blanket, a stuffed animal, a book, etc. She's presently sleeping with a glow-worm type toy that lights up and plays music. Her birth father gave it to her on her first birthday.
When will we tell Kate her story? We don't really plan to. She's living her story openly. As she grows, learns, and understands, her story and all the information is openly available to her. First, Kelley just printed the first year of her blog in a book. Kate has a BOOK about the first year of her life, how all of this came to be. Everything that's in Kelley's blog is in this book. And second, on Kate's dresser, we keep a picture of 1-day old Kate at the hospital in her birth parents' arms. She can now say both of their names, and she knows the little baby they're holding is her. She'll figure things out in time, and we'll continue to discuss her story with her until she completely understands.
Again, I know our situation isn't representative of all adoptions. God blessed us with a wonderful daughter and wonderful birth parents who wanted to give her what they couldn't. We'll never stop thanking them for allowing us to be Kate's parents. I've asked them at a couple of our face to face meetings if they are still able to handle the visits, or if the visits are too painful. They tell me that although the visits can be emotional, and yes, difficult, they are GREAT, and they want them to continue. They know where we live and have been in our home - in Kate's bedroom. They have our phone numbers. We text them pictures of Kate occasionally. Kate's birth mother invited us to her high school graduation this May, which isn't going to be one of our official visits. We count it an honor.
If you're considering adoption, or if you're an adoptive parent and you're worried about any of these scenarios, or when to tell your child, or if your child will resent or reject you, I encourage you to trust God and be as honest as you can appropriately be. There are adoption horror stories, but there are far more stories like ours. So forget the old-school rotary dial phone. Life with an adoptive child is so much more peaceful for everyone involved when nobody is trying to keep lots of secrets. (And, I can also encourage Kate and our future adopted children with the fact that they never have to worry about growing up to look like me.)
She receives emails weekly from adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents, and they ask all kinds of questions - good questions, the kind we also ask or used to ask.
I read an email today from a married couple that's going through the beginning stages of adopting a newborn. The lady asked how things are NOW with Kate's birth parents, and how/when we plan to tell Kate. Kelley will reply to her directly, but these questions are good to discuss since open adoption is the general rule for domestic adoptions today.
First, open adoption is a very broad term. All it means is that there is some form of open communication between the birth parents and the adoptive parents. How open the adoption is and continues to be must be determined by those involved. Some adoptive parents want little contact with the birth parents, some birth parents want little contact with the adoptive parents (and the child), and those are some of the big things that help with finding a match.
But this is important - the old way of adoption is going the way of landlines. I should probably say, going the way of rotary dial phones. Some people still have them, but don't go looking for them on store shelves. When I was in elementary school in the 80's, I had a few friends who were adopted, but we (classmates, church friends) weren't supposed to talk to them about it in case they didn't know. They had been led to believe they were their parents' biological children - even though their dad was 5"7, their mom was 5"2, and they (the adopted children) were already 5' in 4th grade and looked nothing like their parents. (I made all that up, but it helped make my point.)
Here's how our adoption has gone - SO FAR. By telling our experience, in no way am I acting like an authority or a predictor of the future for every adoption. In some cases, I'm SURE it's best not to have any contact with the birth parents - at least while the child is young. Not only do we HAVE a very open adoption, we WANTED it. We heard stories from both sides and the children who grew up with some kind of contact with their birth parents seemed more peaceful about life. We didn't want Kate to wonder. We didn't want her to feel bad for wondering, like she was doing Kelley and me wrong by imagining how life would be with her birth parents. We didn't want her to wonder about her heritage. We didn't want her to wonder about any siblings, or what she might look like when she grows up, or, or, or . . .
So we wanted an open adoption. Kate's birth parents were 18 (birth father) and 16 (birth mother) when we met them. We've seen them at least every few months since - with Kate. Kate has a room full of toys and books, many from her birth parents. We've made sure to keep some of these things they gave her at her birth - a blanket, a stuffed animal, a book, etc. She's presently sleeping with a glow-worm type toy that lights up and plays music. Her birth father gave it to her on her first birthday.
When will we tell Kate her story? We don't really plan to. She's living her story openly. As she grows, learns, and understands, her story and all the information is openly available to her. First, Kelley just printed the first year of her blog in a book. Kate has a BOOK about the first year of her life, how all of this came to be. Everything that's in Kelley's blog is in this book. And second, on Kate's dresser, we keep a picture of 1-day old Kate at the hospital in her birth parents' arms. She can now say both of their names, and she knows the little baby they're holding is her. She'll figure things out in time, and we'll continue to discuss her story with her until she completely understands.
Again, I know our situation isn't representative of all adoptions. God blessed us with a wonderful daughter and wonderful birth parents who wanted to give her what they couldn't. We'll never stop thanking them for allowing us to be Kate's parents. I've asked them at a couple of our face to face meetings if they are still able to handle the visits, or if the visits are too painful. They tell me that although the visits can be emotional, and yes, difficult, they are GREAT, and they want them to continue. They know where we live and have been in our home - in Kate's bedroom. They have our phone numbers. We text them pictures of Kate occasionally. Kate's birth mother invited us to her high school graduation this May, which isn't going to be one of our official visits. We count it an honor.
If you're considering adoption, or if you're an adoptive parent and you're worried about any of these scenarios, or when to tell your child, or if your child will resent or reject you, I encourage you to trust God and be as honest as you can appropriately be. There are adoption horror stories, but there are far more stories like ours. So forget the old-school rotary dial phone. Life with an adoptive child is so much more peaceful for everyone involved when nobody is trying to keep lots of secrets. (And, I can also encourage Kate and our future adopted children with the fact that they never have to worry about growing up to look like me.)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Kate's Week With the Flu
Kate's had a rough week, and because of it, so have we. She had a cough on Monday - no big deal, right? But she woke up crying and without her signature smile on Tuesday. Her temperature was about 103. A trip to the doctor confirmed that she has the flu.
Kelley missed work Tuesday and Wednesday to take care of her, and Kelley's mom came up Thursday and Friday so Kelley could get back to work. What's wrong with this picture? I'm missing. Kelley and her mom got flu shots this year. I did not. On purpose. I got them for years, but the last two times I got the flu shot, I was sick by the next morning with FLU-LIKE SYMPTOMS. I know all the "research" says that the flu shot CANNOT GIVE YOU THE FLU, but if you read the small print when you DO get a flu shot, it says that you can experience "flu-like symptoms" and then it goes on to essentially DESCRIBE THEM AS THE FLU! If I had to feel that bad, I'd rather it be from accidentally catching the flu, not on purpose! Nevertheless, I went to Ingles this week and got a flu shot, and a very expensive prescription for Tamiflu. Kate's doctor told me to go ahead and start taking it since I've been exposed to the virus. As for the flu shot, it won't start offering any protection for about two weeks, so it's no help with Kate's sickness.
If you're scared of getting a flu shot because of the PAIN, stop being a baby and go get it. Mine was free, but even if you have to pay the full price, it's just $30 or so. From now on, even if the shot makes me a little sick, it's better than not being able to touch your wife/kids for a week. Also, it didn't hurt at all, unless you call a very tiny prick pain. The needle is about as thick as a strand of hair. I've been giving myself shots for years every week with a 20 gauge, 1-inch needle. In comparison, the flu shot needle was non-existent. My upper arm was a little sore for a day, but nothing major. And, best of all, IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY EFFECT ON ME! NO "FLU-LIKE" SYMPTOMS!
Kate, by the way, DID get a flu shot this year. Lot of help that did. Anyway, without the protection of the shot, I've had to keep my distance from my daughter all week. It hasn't been fun for any of us. Kate must think I've abandoned her. I've tried to keep her from even seeing me, but it's not always possible. Sadly, all I can do is wave and talk to her from a distance before I got outside, to the gym, or to our bedroom. She cries and reaches for me while calling out, "Daddies! Daddies!"
About that "Daddies" thing: For the past two weeks, that's been her name for me. I used to be "Dada," then "Daddy," and now, "Daddies." Here's why: Kate has a natural affection for phones, computers, etc. She goes for my laptop and/or mouse every time she gets a chance, even though she's served plenty of rounds in timeout over it. Kelley is constantly saying to her, "That's Daddy's." So, she's confused and now thinks my name is "Daddies," not "Daddy."
I hate it. It'll pass quickly, I hope.
Kate's doctor told us that I can expect to get the flu, and that even with the shot, Kelley might. Thankfully, we've both avoided it. So far. Kate's fever finally broke sometime Thursday, and although it came back a few times, this is Saturday and she's getting back to her normal self. But she's still got a runny nose and cough, and that's the way the flu spreads the easiest. She could be contagious for a few more days, so I've got more alone time until then. Kelley SENT ME A TEXT today that said, "I feel like I haven't seen you in a week!" Sad, huh?
Kelley missed work Tuesday and Wednesday to take care of her, and Kelley's mom came up Thursday and Friday so Kelley could get back to work. What's wrong with this picture? I'm missing. Kelley and her mom got flu shots this year. I did not. On purpose. I got them for years, but the last two times I got the flu shot, I was sick by the next morning with FLU-LIKE SYMPTOMS. I know all the "research" says that the flu shot CANNOT GIVE YOU THE FLU, but if you read the small print when you DO get a flu shot, it says that you can experience "flu-like symptoms" and then it goes on to essentially DESCRIBE THEM AS THE FLU! If I had to feel that bad, I'd rather it be from accidentally catching the flu, not on purpose! Nevertheless, I went to Ingles this week and got a flu shot, and a very expensive prescription for Tamiflu. Kate's doctor told me to go ahead and start taking it since I've been exposed to the virus. As for the flu shot, it won't start offering any protection for about two weeks, so it's no help with Kate's sickness.
If you're scared of getting a flu shot because of the PAIN, stop being a baby and go get it. Mine was free, but even if you have to pay the full price, it's just $30 or so. From now on, even if the shot makes me a little sick, it's better than not being able to touch your wife/kids for a week. Also, it didn't hurt at all, unless you call a very tiny prick pain. The needle is about as thick as a strand of hair. I've been giving myself shots for years every week with a 20 gauge, 1-inch needle. In comparison, the flu shot needle was non-existent. My upper arm was a little sore for a day, but nothing major. And, best of all, IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY EFFECT ON ME! NO "FLU-LIKE" SYMPTOMS!
Kate, by the way, DID get a flu shot this year. Lot of help that did. Anyway, without the protection of the shot, I've had to keep my distance from my daughter all week. It hasn't been fun for any of us. Kate must think I've abandoned her. I've tried to keep her from even seeing me, but it's not always possible. Sadly, all I can do is wave and talk to her from a distance before I got outside, to the gym, or to our bedroom. She cries and reaches for me while calling out, "Daddies! Daddies!"
About that "Daddies" thing: For the past two weeks, that's been her name for me. I used to be "Dada," then "Daddy," and now, "Daddies." Here's why: Kate has a natural affection for phones, computers, etc. She goes for my laptop and/or mouse every time she gets a chance, even though she's served plenty of rounds in timeout over it. Kelley is constantly saying to her, "That's Daddy's." So, she's confused and now thinks my name is "Daddies," not "Daddy."
I hate it. It'll pass quickly, I hope.
Kate's doctor told us that I can expect to get the flu, and that even with the shot, Kelley might. Thankfully, we've both avoided it. So far. Kate's fever finally broke sometime Thursday, and although it came back a few times, this is Saturday and she's getting back to her normal self. But she's still got a runny nose and cough, and that's the way the flu spreads the easiest. She could be contagious for a few more days, so I've got more alone time until then. Kelley SENT ME A TEXT today that said, "I feel like I haven't seen you in a week!" Sad, huh?
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